I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
