I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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