And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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