I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
