Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
