When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
