My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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