so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
