walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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