tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
