My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
