Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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