Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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