he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
