life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
