I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
