Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
