i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
