Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
