Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
