when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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