I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
