we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
