I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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