I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
