remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
