I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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