My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
