I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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