I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
