I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
