i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
