Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize