Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
