Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize