you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
