I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize