Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My feet surprised me
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