Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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