This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
