and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
