so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize