You can't special order awesome
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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