When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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