Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
