I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
