I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
