Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
