I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
