it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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