I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
