so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you win again, gameday.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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