a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
