I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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