You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Someone shattered a urinal.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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