me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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