My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
