sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
