i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
