Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize