so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
