Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
