Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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