I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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