cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
