so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I supernannyed him into submission
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
