i need an iv and a liver transplant
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
