i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
